Bike Snob NYC

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Being On the Lookout

As I mentioned in my previous post, yesterday I (or, more accurately, my Scattante) was the victim of a brazen cockpit theft. Well, I'm pleased to report that yesterday evening I performed approximately 20 minutes of cockpit reconstruction surgery on the victim,and it has now been restored to full rideability. Furthermore, thanks to my ability to operate simple tools (roughly on par with that of a capuchin monkey) as well as my substantial cache of bicycle crap, the procedure cost me nothing apart from the subway fare I incurred in transporting the victim home. (I briefly considered simply leaving the Scattante where it was, returning later, and performing the surgery in situ, but I prefer to "wrench" pantsless and didn't want to end up in prison--or worse, on some schlocky local news blog like Gothamist.)

Once again, I will use this opportunity to reiterate that when commuting in New York City or any similarly theft-prone environment one should be reconciled to the loss of one's bicycles or bicycle components prior to setting out in the morning. If you are, then the theft is simply an inconvenience rather than a gut-wrenching loss. In this case the incident was only marginally more irritating than incurring a flat and not having a tube or patch kit, and I only wish I had had the foresight to carry a spare cockpit with me. Actually, after seeing the following video which was forwarded to me by the filmmaker I'm now considering traveling with a spare bicycle at all times:

Bridging the Gap Vol.1 from Joseph Lobato on Vimeo.

Notice the rider is "saving the track bike" by reserving the BMX for tricks.

Still, while I was only slightly bothered by the purloined cockpit incident that does not mean I'm not on the lookout. One reader has forwarded me the following Craigslist posting, which might offer a clue:

Bike Steerers - $1 (Greenwich Village)
Date: 2010-03-08, 4:53PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Can you help me it wont fit on my bike and I cant ride without it on there that well. Im looking for trade for a necklace with a crystal or maybe a coupon for something or if youre chill with it i have a bike seat and a copple of petals too. i also found a brake handles on it as well but they come as is because i dont think they work too well. HOT HOT HOT looking to sell real quick. A bike is the best way to go in the New York City if you know whats up. Coem to visit and you wont regret it. I have a coppel of other bikes as well because im a busness man and always looking for good deals. Call to book a reservation I can meet you or you can meet me but i really cant bring too many bikes because i can only ride with like 2 at a time. Ok the steerer is looking like the one in the photo but it says Tompson on it and the boss at the bike shop says its PLATNUM plated and the best you can get its what Lanse Armestrong uses on the Tour it feels real lite. Also I think the bars are mountain bike bars with gripts of rubber so you can ride off road if you are a mountainbiker. the second picture is of anothe r bike if you want to trade for the steerer that goes in there ill bring the price down.

Thansk for looking and happy bidding!

I'm assuming this posting is fabricated, but then again one should never overestimate the literary prowess of the typical Craigslist seller. Could the stem that "says Tompson on it and the boss at the bike shop says its PLATNUM plated and the best you can get its what Lanse Armestrong uses on the Tour it feels real lite" be mine? Could the "mountain bike bars with gripts of rubber" be mine too? Am I mistaken in thinking "grips of rubber" sounds vaguely Dylanesque, like "Spanish Boots of Spanish Leather?" Since the seller was interested in a coupon I did send a reply offering an expired voucher from Jiffy Lube good for one free car wash, but unfortunately my email bounced back to me. I guess I may never know.

Elsewhere in the Craigslist universe (but having nothing to do with my missing cockpit) was this $40 "vintage single speed," forwarded to me by another reader:

Vintage Single Speed - $40 (Humboldt Park)
Date: 2010-03-06, 8:41PM CST
Reply to: [deleted]

Up for sale is a stripped Allpro 10 speed bicycle converted to a single speed. Features: Orange/Blue New Your Knicks colorway, spray painted blue wheels and seat post, JUN stem, Schwinn seat, Trek grips, cut&flipped bull horn style bars, mid-city gear setup. Bike is in working order with (1) working front brake, tires that hold air and tight components. Ready to ride and a perfect commuter for a great price. Get your ride on while the snow is gone!

ATTN: This is a cruiser style bike with 26x1 3/8 tires! Not a Road Bike or Fixed Gear! Please read description closely!

Wheels: 26in.
Size: M (fits rider 5ft 6' to 5ft 9')
Standover height: 30in.
Gear: 42x15

Big pic here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/riskyrax/4412701460/


Really "feeling" the "New Your Knicks colorway" and the "epic" blue pie plate, but otherwise the post was little more than a hastily spraypainted cul-de-sac.

Since Craigslist was no help I realized I had to turn my attention to the real world, and as any good detective will tell you, anything out of the ordinary can be a potential clue. (Actually, I've never spoken to a detective, but it seems like something one would say.) For this reason, I paid special attention to this truck:

While a less savvy person might not think the phrase "Follow this van for the freshest fish in town" has anything to do with bicycles, I knew immediately that "fresh fish" is criminal underworld slang for "hot bike parts," and so I gave chase. Unfortunately, only moments later, I lost the vehicle in the wilds of Grand Army Plaza (a highly dangerous place where the Audis and Subarus of Park Slope do battle with the "dollar vans" of Flatbush and the Hasidim-filled minivans of Crown Heights) and so I now have no choice but wake up early one of these mornings, don my noseplugs, and hit the fish market.

Admittedly, I was disheartened, and like so many who lose faith in the real world I turned to The Great Lobster for guidance. Visiting me in a dream, He told me that if I turned my Oracular Jake Gyllenhaal Pie Plate upon the Great Skanky and peered through it, I would find that for which I seek. So, the next morning, I did just that:


At first nothing happened, but after a few moments I became kind of queasy (like I had just eaten some tainted peanut butter) and saw this:



I'm not sure what it means, though I suspect the so-called "Nonplussed Journalist" may be trying to tell me that my cockpit was stolen by two men wearing green pants.

Once my revery subsided I grabbed hold of my newly-installed cockpit and continued to pilot my Scattante into Manhattan, where I not only looked for the Green Pants Gang but also gazed longingly at other cockpits. (I generally don't recommend staring at other people's cockpits, but if you absolutely must do it at least try to be discreet.) Here's one in the classic "snake fangs" configuration:


Here's the less common "double joystick" setup:

It seemed as though everywhere I looked there were bizarre cockpits. However, there were no men in green pants--though I did see a woman in a pink helmet riding a bicycle on the sidewalk with her dog:

As you can see, the dog is wearing a jacket. Since it was a warm day and this is right around where I saw that hawk I'm guessing the garment was intended to protect the dog from airborne attacks. Presumably it's also lined with kevlar to prevent it from being pierced by razor-sharp talons.

Speaking of menacing creatures stalking the streets, a short while later I found myself sharing the bike lane with an inline skater:

(All You Haters Skitch Off My Backpack Straps)

At one point, the light in front of him turned red and a gaggle of people in sensible suits began to cross the street. However, instead of stopping or even slowing, the skater simply kept going and charged right through them, leaving in his wake a whitewater of nonplussed expressions. While I've seen innumerable cyclists do just this, pedestrians have a special look when the perpetrator is using inline skates. The reason for this, I believe, is two-fold. Firstly, unlike a cyclist, an inline skater is practically a pedestrian too apart from the fact that he's wearing shoes with tiny wheels, and so the failure to stop amounts to a betrayal. (The skater is able to commingle with pedestrians yet at the same time move much more quickly than the traditionally-shod. In this sense, inline skates have the power amplify a pedestrian's prickishness in the same way a microphone allows a bad singer to suck even louder.) Secondly, the fact that the skater is just so dorky makes the whole thing just that much more insulting.

Here's another view of the menacing skater:

Notice the fleece pullover, which is to inline skaters what a leather jacket is to a Harley rider. By the way, I feel as though I should make it clear that in principle I have nothing against those who like to have wheely-feet, for I too have felt the thrill of wearing shoes that roll. Granted, it was many years ago in the relative safety of Hot Skates, but that made it no less intoxicating. Indeed, just as fast brakeless cycling is often best performed in the velodrome, perhaps Mr. Greenfleece should consider "hitting up" the roller rink. (Though hopefully he doesn't wind up terrorizing some 10 year-old's birthday party.)

Alas, it would seem that my stolen cockpit would not reveal itself on this particular commute, and that I had come to a dead end--much like this bike lane Guangzhou (wherever that is) which was sent to me by another reader:

I guess you're supposed to use the manhole.

This Just In: Someone Yoinked My Cockpit!

In a crime that may or may not be retaliation for last week's "ANTgate" affair, the stem, handlebars, brake levers, and grips (or, in bike review parlance, the "cockpit") of my beloved mehloved Scattante Empire State Courier were stolen at precisely lunchtime-ish on 6th Avenue in the Greenwich Village neighborhoodway of Manhattan. Here is the grisly scene to which I emerged:

(All You Haters Decapitate My Scattante)

As you can see, the brake cables were snipped and the so-called "cockpit" was simply unbolted and removed. Naturally, I was shocked when first viewing the crime scene, though my concern subsided when I noticed that the thief had left the bottle-opening capabilities of the bike intact:

(The thieving teetotaller totally left the best part.)

While I certainly would have preferred a bicycle ride to a subway ride home on this pleasant day, I'm only minimally bothered by this brazen heist. Indeed, my only regret is having equipped the bicycle with a fancy stem, which is undoubtedly what inspired the theft in the first place. However, as the stem fit the bicycle perfectly and was lying fallow I figured it made more sense to use it than to purchase another, cheaper stem and keep this one secreted in my underwear drawer. (I keep all my "bulletproof" components in my underwear drawer, which is why I often find Chris King headsets in my underpants at urinals.) In fact, I thought to myself this very morning, "It would not surprise me in the least if some brigand decided to 'house' my stem today," and so it did not surprise me when a scant few hours later that very thing came to pass.

In any case, the first rule of New York City bicycle commuting is to always use a bicycle you will not be upset to lose, and having followed that rule I actually feel as though I've come out ahead since the foolish thief neglected to steal the rest of the bike. That said, if someone tries to sell you a 120mm silver Thomson stem in the 25.4 clampway, perhaps bundled with a Ritchey flat mountain bike bar, a pair of black Oury grips, and maybe even a couple of Tektro brake levers with a few inches of brake cable housing dangling from them, feel free to use the fact that they are stolen to negotiate a very low price--and then keep them with my compliments. (I'd offer to reimburse you in exchange for the components but I hate the idea of paying for things twice.)

In the meantime, you will be pleased, indifferent, or nonplussed to know that plans for the Scattante's rehabilitation are already underway, and I expect it should be rideable by this evening at little or no cost to me. Most importantly, now that the weather's improved and the streets are flush with bicycles they are flush with thieves as well, so be careful with your bike.

And remember--yoinking your own cockpit may be fun, but if you're going to yoink someone else's you should at least ask them first.

--BSNYC/RTMS



Jumping Through Hoops: What Does Everyone Have Against Hubs?

This past weekend, the weather in New York City turned suddenly from craptacular to spring-tastic, and while there's ample time for throwable forms of precipitation such as snow to fall one can be forgiven for feeling as though the worst may be behind us. Still, winter weather is liable to pounce again at any moment, and while some look unto the groundhog for confirmation of spring, I prefer to seek surer signs. In New York City, these seasonal indicators include the annual running of the bike salmon:

Calls of "On your right!" emanating from pacelines in the park (I was already on the right side of the road when the calls began):

And of course the First Pallid Calfs of Spring:


But while the seasons are cyclical, other things are eternal, and among these immutable constants are concept bikes. As I've mentioned before, aspiring designers are compelled by the bicycle as crappy musicians are lured by the guitar, and their swoopy, useless design concepts hover perpetually and intangibly in the future like some swoopy, misshapen carrot dangling from the end of a stick, or like a Tour de France victory for Cadel Evans. Furthermore, if you look at pretty much any designer concept bike you'll notice they all have two things in common: Firstly, they're idiotic; and secondly, they never have hubs.

The latest fictional hubless creation I've come across is this BMX, which one design magazine called "rock-solid:"

This is indeed a brilliant concept, since the designer has eliminated not only the hubs, but also any place to install pegs and thus like 75% of the BMX trick repertoire:



Sure, you could always just do a grind on your chainring instead, but this bike doesn't have one of those either. BMX riders are like strippers in that both love grinding on poles, so removing all the metal parts from a BMX bike is like replacing the pole in a strip club with a gigantic Hacky Sack. Also, while the designer has succeeded in eliminating pesky hubs from BMX bikes in his mind, he has no idea how to actually do it in real life, and so his equally brilliant peers are asking for help:
So why is the hub the one thing all futuristic bicycle designers want to eliminate? Well, on one level, I suspect that this is because the traditional bicycle wheel is probably the most functionally elegant part of the functional and elegant machine known as the traditional bicycle. Naturally, then, if you're bent on destroying the functional elegance of that machine simply for cheap thrills you should hone in on its best part, in the same way the true subway pervert knows to go right for the crotch. On another level though, it may be that these designers have an irrational fear of the hub-and-spoke design, fueled at least in part by horrific images such as this:

Instead, they dream of happy animals safely jumping through their futuristic wheelsets. Here's a dog:

And here's a hairless sea dog:

I too hate to see cute furry creatures meeting their demise at the hands (or, more accurately, wheels) of the "Fred." However, I also think it is unwise to tamper with nature. Really, animals only jump through hoops because we train them to do it, and it is probably only the aberrant squirrels that try it when they see a bicycle rolling down a country road. If these creatures are not killed in the process and instead live to reproduce, it will not be long before the planet is overrun by squirrels who are driven to leap through any round thing they see. Futuristic bike wheels; manholes; hula hoops; bagels; nothing will be safe from their bizarre compulsion. Soon flying squirrels will be bringing down passengers jets. Forget saving the track bike; we need a campaign to save the bicycle hub!

Scoff if you will, but this horrid hubless future is already becoming reality:


Speaking of squirrels and saving the track bike, this past weekend saw the running of the 11th annual "Monster Track" in New York City. If you're unfamiliar with Monster Track, it's not only the most monstrous of tracks, but it's also "the biggest, badest, most controversial alley-cat around:"

I was actually surprised to learn that people still participate in "alleycats," since the whole "Save The Track Bike!" campaign had led me to believe the alleycat was extinct and had been replaced by the fixed-gear freestyle "sesh"--which itself only exists in order to provide raw footage for the proliferation of awkward stunting videos known as "edits." However, not only is the alleycat seemingly alive and well, but you can also see from this video that the "Monster Track" was quite well attended by slow-moving Nü-Freds on their brakeless bicycles:

Monster Track 11 from Michael Green on Vimeo.

Here's a rider on a (presumably) geared bike filming the other riders, and when you consider that he himself is being filmed this very well could be the most well-documented "Monster Track" in the history of monstrous tracks:
But it wasn't all videography--there was still photography as well. However, pausing even momentarily to take a picture meant you might sacrifice your position. See how this rider uses a moment of inattention to launch a devastating attack up the left side of the "Nü-Fredoton:"

His hands are almost off the bar tops, so you know he means business.

While watching this video, I contemplated the "alleycat" phenomenon. Ostensibly, alleycats are designed to replicate the daily working conditions of a messenger. However, now all sorts of people participate in alleycats--many of whom have never delivered a package on a bicycle in their lives--and so they're now basically big fixed-gear scavenger hunts. In a sense, messengers have a lot in common with lumberjacks, since in both cases their livelihoods have become the basis for competitions, and one might go so far as to say that the alleycat is the "lumberjack competition" of the cycling world. Some messengers still resent the influx of so-called "fakengers" into their scene, and I wonder if timber workers in the Pacific Northwest sit around in bars complaining about "fakerjacks."

Furthermore, I wonder if there's a "fakerjack" equivalent of the now-ubiquitous u-lock holster:

I'm sure somewhere there's somebody walking around Portland wearing a bespoke hatchet holder.

Speaking of u-lock holsters, a reader recently forwarded me a picture of something called a "FeltBelt," which can be used in this capacity:

For a second upon viewing the flesh-colored FeltBelt I thought that the rider had somehow placed the lock through her skin. Perhaps one day, when the bicycle hub has been successfully eliminated, u-lock muffin top piercings will become knuckle tattoos 2.0.

BSNYC Flying Funquist!

("Stop him! He's killing track bikes!")

In these uncertain times, many of us find ourselves searching for meaning. For example, I have chosen to worship a Lobster God (beware of false prophets), to whom I pray for guidance, protection, and discounts. However, sometimes I also need a more worldly cause behind which to rally so I can delude myself into thinking that I'm changing society for the better. Unfortunately, though, this can be hard. I once tried veganism, but after accidentally ingesting a fly during a ride I had to scrap the whole enterprise. My brief stint in the animal rights movement was also a disaster--all I'll say is, as much as I believe in equality of the species, opening a joint checking account with your cat will set you on the road to financial ruin. Finally, though, I think I've discovered the cause for me. I'm going to join the legions of people now fighting to "Save The Track Bike!"


Here's the movement's philosophy:

Who doesn't love buttons? And who doesn't like making a statement? This isn't political. I'm not here to tell you what kind of bike to ride. Because really...I don't care as long as you're on a bike. This is just a little reminder of where everyone came from. A much simpler time, one more about community. A time when people relied on each other for information rather than some blog or forum. A time when you didn't have a choice...you rode a Track Bike because that is all there was. There was no CMX, most had never even heard of Cyclocross, Road Bikes had gears and Mountain Bikes where just a no no. Don't sell your Track Bike for a Road Bike. Don't forget about your Track Bike because your CMX is more fun. Don't forget that before Cyclocross was ever cool Track Bikes introduced you and many others to this wonderful thing called cycling. The Track Bike will forever be in my heart. It has been a huge part of my life, the person I am and the people I have grown to love. So now it is time for me to give back to the Track Bike. I am doing this by trying my hardest to never let anyone forget what an amazing machine the Track Bike is and forever will be.

I know what you're thinking: "Why does the track bike need saving? It's perfectly safe due to the continued existence of track racing and the equipment rules clearly set forth by the UCI." Well, that's not really what this movement is about. "Save The Track Bike" is actually about making sure people remember that the "OGs" of the fixed-gear scene (meaning the people who have been riding track bikes since waaay back in 2005) are still cool.

I know what else you're thinking: "Aren't the people now trying to save track bikes the ones who ruined them in the first place by putting Hed 3s on their keirin bikes after watching MASH?" Absolutely not. In the fixed-gear universe, these are the very people who invented track bikes. See, track bikes were invented in or around 2005, and the scene reached its apex in early 2009, at which point it was promptly closed. It's vitally important that the new generation of fixed-gear freestylers regards them as the pioneers they are instead of dismissing them as the creepy old guys at the party which is what they look like now.

But the most important part of becoming a "Save The Track Bike!" activist is projection. Of course nobody had heard of cyclocross a few years ago. And who would have thought to ride something as uncool as a mountain bike? Those are the things in Costco! Also, these strange forms of cycling are the dingoes that might take your baby away: "Don't forget that before Cyclocross was ever cool Track Bikes introduced you and many others to this wonderful thing called cycling." You might have thought that cyclocross video was funny, but to "Save The Track Bike!" activists it was deadly serious. Just imagine the horror an "OG" fixed-gear rider would feel when "hitting up" his friends for a ride and finding out they've all gone to a cyclocross race without him.

Indeed, there was a time when it might take decades for someone to transform from a new cyclist to a Rivendell-riding fuddy-duddy, but now the process only takes about five years. So please, help "Save The Track Bike!," and do your part to make sure the trendy are not killed off by the very trendy.

With that out of the way, I'm now pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's wonderful and I'm very happy for you, and if you're wrong you'll see Shobhit Mathur Cycling Fervor.

Thanks for reading, ride safe, and remember: When you sell your track bike, Lob kills a "hipster."

--BSNYC/RTMS



1) The world of bike dorkdom was recently rocked by:

--"ANTgate"
--"ANTron"
--"Richard Sachsgate"
--Bike-themed "hipster"-hop act Geekhouse of Pain




2) A proposed bike safety legislation package in Idaho will include:





3) According to "GQ," what is one of the "most salient" reasons "riding a bike is better than travel by foot or automobile"?



4) This bike is a:





(If you have to ask...)

5) Obsessing over tubular tire care and maintenance and writing letters to Lennard Zinn is a sign that:

--You worry too much
--You should probably just use clinchers
--You may be in the later stages of syphilis
--All of the above





6) Which NAHBS trend might inspire "fixie" riders to embrace bikes with multiple gears?





7) "Hipster" homemaking tip: Liven up your kitchen with some __________:




***Special Compromising Position-Themed Bonus Question***

What's this guy doing?


The More Things Change: The Indignity of Protesting by Bicycle

Further to yesterday's post concerning "ANTgate," I'm pleased to announce that everything seems to have been resolved. If anything, I like to think that this misunderstanding underscores the fact that the art of Internet discourse can be just as painstaking as frame building, and that in both cases even the smallest imperfection can cause the entire structure to fail catastrophically. Still, while I'm glad it's all over, I must admit I had expected the controversy to continue for at least a few more weeks, which is why I now regret spending the last sixteen hours creating this "ANTgate 2010" graphic:

(It's an ant and a gate. Get it?)

Oh well, who says you need to sleep every night? (Apart from most doctors, that is.) As much as I would have liked to get more use out of this stunning graphic, the most important thing is that everybody is happy again and that there are no hurt feelers. Furthermore, as an expression of my goodwill, I'm also offering an award of $250,000 (or £26.50) to anybody who can recover Mike Flanigan's stolen bike. Just click here for details.

Unfortunately, I also think this incident has underscored one of the more insidious aspects of this whole notion of a "bike culture." While two bike dorks will make every effort to clear up a misunderstanding and resolve their differences, the whole of bike dorkdom will not hesitate to pounce on an outsider. This is the danger of social groups, and such was the case yesterday when well-known famous celebrity Paris Hilton was cited for driving in a bike lane:

(Celebutard-gate)

Sure, it's tempting to point, laugh, and cheer, which is what most cyclists did. But how many of us actually took the time to consider the incident from Hilton's point of view? Just because she's been imprisoned for drunk driving in the past, has no discernible job, and spends her free time literally rolling around in cocaine with her disgusting friends does not mean that she didn't have a good reason for using the bike lane to pass some other cars. For example, she could have been rushing to get to the bank in order to wire huge chunks of her inherited fortune to help earthquake victims in Haiti and Chile. Or, she could have simply been trying to regain her coveted status as the Biggest Traffic Menace in Hollywood after Anne Hathaway's car cold-cocked that "hipster:"

It's well-known that Hollywood celebrities adhere to a points system--the trendier the victim, the more points you get. Most likely Hilton was rushing to a fixed-gear freestyle "sesh" where literally hundreds of points were on offer and she hoped to snag a few stragglers in the bike lane on the way, but sadly for her she was stopped before she could get there. She also missed a huge opportunity back in November, when she failed to drive her car through that Jared Leto video shoot:

That would have been game, set, and match.

It is heartening, though, to see Los Angeles apparently making good on its recent promise to "better protect cyclists:"

(Beck makes universal "All You Cyclists, I Will Protect Your Balls" hand gesture)

Not only did Beck call cyclists “our most vulnerable commuters” and promise “We hear you, we know we need to do a better job for you,” but he was also played to perfection by "Magnum, P.I." star Tom Selleck:

This is a real turnaround by a city that is as synonymous with cars as Portland is with cycling, or New York City is with subways, or as Portland is with smugness--and it doesn't stop there. Los Angeles also apparently has bike messengers (isn't that cute?), and they're dishing out hearty, sizzling helpings of street justice to bike thieves:

Of course, messengers in Los Angeles do this in their own unique way. While couriers elsewhere might engage the thieves in fisticuffs, "LA style" messenger justice mostly involves making them take off their clothes:
Or, to put it another way, in New York it's "Don't Steal Bikes, Bro," but in LA they don't wanna "fuck you up"--they "Wanna Sex You Up."

In any case, Los Angeles is confusing to many people from the New York area because it basically just feels like Manhasset or White Plains except unlike Long Island or Westchester there doesn't seem to be a real city nearby so we can't figure out where we're supposed to go. San Francisco, on the other hand, is a bit easier for us to understand--it's like New York if it had been founded by hippies instead of Dutch merchants. Also, San Francisco is very "bikey." But while Los Angeles is now embracing cyclists, a reader informs me that San Francisco is starting to reject them--at least when they coagulate into the soggy breadbowl full of chowder known as "Critical Mass:"

It's great to see that the Ass-Backwards Dachshund of Social Progress continues to advance (and by "advance" I mean "retreat") and that Critical Mass is maintaining its efforts to ban the practice of group cycling. Well done--getting yourself banned from a city full of cannabis clubs that gave America both the Summer of Love and the gay rights movement can't be easy. It's like Paris Hilton not wanting to hang out with you because you're too stupid or you do too much cocaine. While ostensibly a form of social protest, Critical Mass seems to draw its influence from the more potent strains of flu in that it likes to pop up in various cities, cause a bunch of trouble, and ultimately drive people to try to stomp it out. Thanks to Critical Mass it's already illegal now to ride in groups of more than 50 here in New York--though I suppose there's a "silver lining" in that the law will make "tweed ride" organization that much more difficult:

If I might suggest a date, how about April 4th, 1898?

I'll admit though that I have a difficult time understanding bike advocacy. I thought the point of it was to make it easier for us to simply ride our bikes around normally like they do over in Copenhagen or wherever. However, if that were true, then it would seem that a good way to go about that would be for people to, well, ride around normally like they do over in Copenhagen or wherever. (Traditionally, the most successful social movements seem to essentially do the thing that they want to be able to do--think Rosa Parks.) Instead, though, bike advocacy people in America seem to be more interested in riding around in huge groups or wearing funny costumes, which I'd wager the majority of us aren't really all that interested in doing on a daily basis, and which is really just the equivalent of Rosa Parks walking around town in a clown suit. Speaking of clowns, here's another brilliant upcoming protest sure to accomplish absolutely nothing:

What bicycle commuter wouldn't want to be associated with this?

As any dramatic actor, professional person, or political candidate will undoubtedly tell you: If you want to be taken seriously, dress like a clown.

Indeed, the world of bike advocacy is bizarre, DayGlo, and often difficult to get a handle on--sort of like these handlebars, which were forwarded to me by a reader:

If they ever remake "Back to the Future" with bikes instead of cars this would be a good substitute for the DeLorean. Really "feeling" the flux capacitor handlebar setup.

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